Rita Ora has thrown down the gauntlet to eccentric pop superstar Lady Gaga
by saying she has an alter ego called “Doctor Oblong”, who’s a
30 foot Drain Pipe with a Dracula fixation!
Ora (24) who introduced the bizarre “character” on last night’s recording of The X-Factor,
says that Lady Gaga’s alter ego Jo Calderone is “cheap and rubbish” and
“mine is much more interesting to young folk who don’t know what the fuck is going on.”
[Gaga as her alter ego, Jo Calderone]
The British singer, who’s in the papers EVERY SINGLE DAY sporting a
new “look”, says “my alter ego is a plastic drain pipe wearing a cape,
HE is an expression of my inner sewage, or the dark side of my soul,
like a Vampire or something. When I’m Doctor Oblong I can express myself
freely as part of a sewer system that carries water and gunk into a
flowing stream of shite… “
Pop guru Simon Cowell reckons Rita’s new alter ego is “simply wonderful”,
and “an inspiration to the youth of today who value substance over style,
and is a perfect judge for The X-Factor.”
However Clive Smith of Bradford Wastewater Treatment Plant disagrees,
“I don’t think she’s that great to be honest, and I think fame has
probably gone to her head.”
“I’ve no idea what the sewer system has got to do with Vampires,” he said,
“I think maybe she’s getting her metaphors mixed up.”
“Besides there are two separate pipe systems for sewage and rain water,
maybe Rita’s not aware of this. The sewage goes to the Treatment Plant
to be cleaned, were as the rain water goes straight back into the lakes and streams.
It all depends on which drain pipe she is though, maybe she’s one that’s
attached to the sink, and then it’s a whole different ball game, because some
places have a combined sewer pipe.” said Clive.
Rita’s latest boyfriend Calvin Harris*, who’s successful in America,
agrees with Cowell though, adding “This could be the key to Rita becoming
famous in America like me, they love all that wacky Monty Python stuff
over here, she’s awesome and miles better than Lady Gaga, in my opinion.”
Ora, who has previously been referred to as the British Rihanna, is said to be
desperate to shake off the tag.
“I’m better than Rihanna anyway, who is Rihanna? Who does she think
she is? ME! That’s who! She wants to be ME!” blasted Rita. “She’s fucking
rubbish anyway!” she added.
The other X-Factor judges Jimmy Grimsdale and Quique Sánchez Flores
agreed, “Rita is amazing! She’s miles better than Rihanna and Lady Gaga
put together, and with Simon we’re going to make a great team at spotting
new talent.” They both said.
* I’ve since become aware that he’s dating Taylor Swift (not Rita Ora). Genuine error! Just pretend it’s Rita Ora ;o